Recovery

Recovery from mental illness doesn't happen in one big aha moment or life-changing event. It happens in thousands of tiny choices and actions. It's not easy, it takes work, and nobody can do it for you. You have to put in the effort, you have to take these steps, no matter how imperceptible, no matter how many times you stumble backward. Some days you'll wake up and things will feel a little better, a little easier. Other days you'll wonder where that feeling went. Gradually the good days outnumber the bad ones, and the bad ones aren't as hard as they used to be. It gets better. You will get better.

Modeling For My Sons

I'm going to be honest. I like it when my sons see me upset. Why? Because then they see me get over it. They see me become calm, kind, and even joyful again. I can be so very angry. I express it, sometimes vehemently. And then I let it go. I can be sobbing like somebody just died. Half an hour later I'm hugging and kissing them and my sense of humor has returned. I always explain why I'm feeling what I'm feeling, and I apologize if needed, but then the past is in the past and it's time to move on. Grudges, pining, and ruminating are a waste of energy. Forgiving, letting go, and trusting: those take far less energy and result in so much peace and happiness. I hope that's what my sons see in me, and they grow up to be men who can feel their feelings fully, and then let them go.

Vigilance

I post a lot about what's happening in our nation and our world right now, both on Facebook and Twitter. There are those who say that people like me need to give it a break, tone it down, take time out and for triviality. "We all need a break from the politics." "I care. Just because I don't want to focus on it doesn't mean I don't care." I understand that. You care. That's great. But caring doesn't change anything. Neither do anger, sadness, and wishing it weren't so.

I choose to focus my mental energy on the politics and problems of our nation because I want to be part of the change. I don't want to just care. This fight is too important to put aside for trivial things. I need to stay informed and I need to share that information with others. Right now, at this time in our country's history, Facebook and Twitter aren't as much social networks for me as they are social JUSTICE networks for me: a place to connect with others who are working to protect the human rights of ALL of the citizens of our nation and world. I don't do this to preach, proselytize, guilt trip, or cause conflict. I do it because I believe I have power and I need to use it to fight injustice. I choose to remain focused. I choose to remain vigilant. I will not lay my burden down.

Silence

We march, we protest, we speak out on social media and in our lives because if we stay silent nothing will change. If we stay silent we are guilty: guilty of prejudice, of discrimination, of misogyny, of hatred, of indifference to the suffering of the poor and the disadvantaged. We CANNOT be silent. We CANNOT be complacent. There is too much at stake.

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
‘Neath the halo of a streetlamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
No one dare
Disturb the sound of silence

“Fools” said I, “You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you”
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said “The words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whispered in the sounds of silence

Paper and Ink

So, I'm sitting here having a freak-out about money and I decide to meditate for a minute to ground myself and calm down (DBT skills for the win). I come out of my little meditation to hear Tracey Chapman on Pandora singing "Money's only paper and ink. Money's only paper and ink." Yes, womyn! Next song that comes on? My favorite, favorite, FAVORITE go-to song when I'm stressed: "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls. Does the Universe know what I need, or what? I freakin love music.

Falling

Fall is a hard time for me. Some falls are worse than others. This is one of those falls. It usually starts in August and stretches until after Thanksgiving (when I will finally allow myself to listen to Christmas music, which begins to make me feel better). I'm irritable, I'm moody, I'm impulsive, I'm weepy. I've walked out on a really good, long-term job, ended a marriage, and made other huge, life-changing, impulsive decisions in the fall.

Fall used to be my favorite season. I looked forward to it with anticipation. I used to hate summer! Now I don't want summer to end. Please, give me the hot weather, the pool, the sunshine, the ocean, the fire pit, the s'mores, the fresh peaches. I don't mind sweating anymore (that's what the water is for, am I right?!!).

So, here's the thing I was just thinking as I watched the "First Day of Fall 2015" Google doodle: I need to make a list of all the things I love about fall and try to focus on enjoying those. Maybe that will help me over this emotional hump, nay, mountain, that is my Autumnal Mood Disorder (yeah, I just made that up. It's not in the DSM??). So here goes:

Squash and gourds - I love the colors, especially the variegated ones in all the odd shapes, and the ones that you shake and can hear the dry seeds rattling around inside.

Changing leaves - Although it's really hard to see all the green go (green is great for serotonin levels, you know), the vibrant reds and oranges are really beautiful, especially in the sunshine. I can remember my dad taking us on drives in the fall just to enjoy the beauty of the change (note to self: take kids on long drive . . . um, maybe).

Sweatshirts and sweaters - Cozy and comfy; what more do I need to say?

Chilly air - Believe it or not, summer lover that I've become, I do love the crisp fall air. One, because I can wear all those cozy sweatshirts and sweaters. Also because I love sleeping with the windows open and the blankets piled high. I do not sleep well in the summer unless the air conditioning is blasting, which I have tree-hugging girl guilt about. So, sleep without guilt is a bonus.

Long walks - These have become more short walks in recent years with my illness, but I still love them, especially with my boys. The leaves and the air and the ground beneath my feet: it's free therapy brought to me by Mother Nature.

Food - Now is the time of year when all the best of the locally grown come together. We can still get fresh tomatoes, cucumbers, and summer squash. Apple picking season has begun, and my favorite winter squashes are now ripe on the vine. It's time for big pots of chili and soup, cool enough for roasting root vegetables and squash, but still warm enough to grill.

Okay. I've now added to my arsenal of defense against the dark fall tools. I hope those of you who struggle with the change in seasons are finding ways to cope. All you pumpkin spice everything lovers out there, please remember that it's a hard time of year for many people. Your understanding and patience is mucho appreciated. Fall lovers and fall dreaders alike, feel free to share your favorite things about fall in the comments below (as long as it's not a Starbucks pumpkin spice latte - I'll edit that crap out!).

Take care, stay positive, be well! xoxo

Mike and I were talking about our favorite veggie dip. Spencer heard us and said "Dill dip. Dill dip. Dildo dip!" Oh my god I laughed! "Where'd you hear that word, Spencer? Do you know what it means?" "I don't know. I think it's a Pokémon." "Well, it has another meaning. If you want to know I can explain it." "No, I'm pretty sure it's a Pokémon. And it's like the lamest Pokémon ever."

Oh my god, the language coming out of Alex lately is amazing! I left the kitchen and came back to see him sitting in a different seat. Without prompting he said "I'm sitting over here because the other seat is wet." I went over and felt the chair and said "It's not wet, Alex." He said "No, the table next to the seat is wet." Yes, there was water on the table. Wow. Just WOW.

Not My New Year's Resolutions

I'm not a New Year's resolution person. I believe I should be trying to do better every single day at every single thing that's important to me. I am, however, looking back over the last year at the changes I've made and the growth I've achieved. I'm thinking about the new year and what I would like to accomplish in the coming months. One thing that came to mind (aside from the obvious health and personal growth goals) was how I don't reach out to others as much as I'd like to. Back in the days of letter writing, and even email writing (pre-Facebook), I always felt it was important to let people know I was thinking of them. Everybody is struggling with something, and those little thoughts that only take a moment to express can make a big difference in people's lives. I know they do for me, and I've seen them help others, too.

This year I resolve to remember to let others know I'm thinking of them, that if they need anything I'm here for them, and that they are loved. Human connection is vital, and as much as we can "socialize" on Facebook, it doesn't have the same effect as that little bit of effort it takes to reach out to a person one-on-one and let them know you care.

Hope for Healing

I've been working with a holistic health coach for the last month and a half. I just started working with a craniosacral therapist who does integrative bodywork. I am getting AMAZING results working with these two people. I have cut a lot of inflammatory foods out of my diet, added in a lot of healing foods, am engaging in some new self-care practices, and am finally starting to add exercise back in. The CST and bodywork are transformative. I am completely convinced that my disease (rheumatoid arthritis) is directly related to the trauma and stress I have experienced over my lifetime, and that as I work through these things I will heal myself. For the first time in a long while, I am feeling positive about my future.

It's a lay-on-the-couch-under-blankets-and-self-reproach-and-watch-TV-all-day kind of day. There's just no rhyme or reason for why a person can feel okay one day and like they have the flu the next with this disease. Another day of scarce work lost. I hate cancelling on people. To the world it must look like I'm unreliable or that I just don't care, but in reality it's a blow to my self-esteem every time I have to make the decision to let someone down.

Listening to my MMW seeded Pandora station and cooking some good eats. On the menu: oven fried chicken, broccoli carrot slaw with sesame soy ginger vinaigrette and toasted sesame seeds, sauteed mixed greens with garlic, and oven fried potatoes. So thankful I feel well enough to cook again.

This January I participated in a 10 day cleanse focused on clean eating and other self nurturing practices (e.g. exercise, body brushing, meditation). As I continue to follow much of what I was doing on the cleanse my energy and mental clarity have been slowly improving, and I have been a lot less irritable. The cleanse was exactly what I needed to get me out of the long period of stagnancy I've been in since well before my diagnosis. I feel as though I'm finally starting to live again, instead of just surviving. The fatigue and pain are still here, but my mind and spirit are feeling better, and I believe in time that my body will, too. I'm so very thankful for the nutritional coach and friend who led the cleanse, and for the fabulous group of people who participated. My heart is full of gratitude.

Spencer asked "Mommy, will you draw up my covers?" (e.g. tuck him in). After I did so he said "Will you rub my back and all those pleasant things?" I love the effect all of his reading has on his vocabulary.

I have to say that Risperidone is really working for Alex this time. It's not making him lethargic or tamping down his personality like it did when he was younger. He is so happy and pleasant, more focused and able to play appropriately (even on his own), and his verbalizations are amazing! A few minutes ago he said to me "I want to watch something on the Playstation, like my favorite video, Spongebob." This from a kid who used to not be able to tell me he wanted milk! The miserable child who was overwhelmed by his emotions and the sensory onslaught of his world has taken a back seat to the happy, sweet, smart little boy Alex really is. I'm so thankful!

Alex Speaks

My little man has come out with some good ones this morning.

It snowed last night. Alex looked outside, pointed, and said "It is a snowy kingdom."

The Scrabble board was left out last night. Alex was looking at it and said "It doesn't have autism." I said "No, it doesn't. Who has autism?" He said "The Center for ###### ###### (his school)." I said "Yes, they help people who have autism. Do you have autism?" He replied "Yeah." (I was a little surprised by this.) I told him "Yep, and that's OK."

I was just smelling perfume samples that came with a Kohl's flyer and I said to Mike "It's been forever since I wore perfume. Sometimes I miss being a girly girl." Spencer didn't miss a beat: "I prefer you being a MANLY girl!"

Spencer and His Stampylonghead Pumpkin

Pipe Tobacco

You know how they say scent memory is your strongest? I just remembered the smell of my father's pipe tobacco. When I was a little girl I loved his big bear hugs when he got home from work. He always smelled like the pouch of pipe tobacco he kept in his coat pocket. This Thursday would have been his 68th birthday. I can't believe he's been gone for almost 8 years. I want to run out to the store and get a pouch of pipe tobacco just so I can remember what it was like to hug him.

Spencer's Parent Teacher Conference

I had Spencer's parent/teacher conference this past Thursday. His teachers and therapists are very pleased with how he's doing. Last year he was having trouble putting thoughts into complete sentences in writing. Now he is writing amazing essays. His handwriting still needs a lot of work, but he is remembering to use his finger for spacing and is slowly getting neater. We need to work on his math skills, too: he still counts on his fingers for simple one digit addition. His teacher told me about a website Spencer loves, coolmath.com, so we're adding that to his daily schedule at home. Socially Spencer is doing better, too. His class is a good group of 3rd and 4th graders, many of whom share his love of Legos. They play outside together and sit in a circle and talk on the playground. I'd love to see that. The best news I got is that my little bookworm is reading and comprehending on an 8th grade level!