Modeling For My Sons

I'm going to be honest. I like it when my sons see me upset. Why? Because then they see me get over it. They see me become calm, kind, and even joyful again. I can be so very angry. I express it, sometimes vehemently. And then I let it go. I can be sobbing like somebody just died. Half an hour later I'm hugging and kissing them and my sense of humor has returned. I always explain why I'm feeling what I'm feeling, and I apologize if needed, but then the past is in the past and it's time to move on. Grudges, pining, and ruminating are a waste of energy. Forgiving, letting go, and trusting: those take far less energy and result in so much peace and happiness. I hope that's what my sons see in me, and they grow up to be men who can feel their feelings fully, and then let them go.

Lego Game

Spencer designed and built his own Lego game., originally uploaded by tinymatters.

Spencer designed and built his own Lego game.

Spencer's Parent Teacher Meeting

I met with Spencer's teachers and some of his therapists on Friday. He is doing well in school: knows 36 out of 40 of his sight words, asks a lot of good questions (especially about science and social studies topics), works well independently, isn't having any behavior problems. Therapies are going well. There are definitely improvements over where he was at the end of last summer. I was very pleased to hear about the progress he has made in OT. I believe the Montessori program, with all of the hands-on learning tools they use, has a lot to do with that progress.

I went into the meeting concerned that his teacher would tell me that Spencer is ready to be mainstreamed next year. Academically he is doing great. The quiet, calm environment he is in (10 students, working in small groups or on their own with the support of a special educator and two aides) has had the effect we had hoped it would. He is able to be heard (we're still working on that mysteriously breathy voice) and able to focus thanks to the absence of distractions (and the medication for his ADHD). Fortunately his teacher recognizes that he really needs to be in this kind of environment again next year in order to continue to succeed. I am very pleased that GW Montessori has a class that will be appropriate for him. I sincerely believe that it's not just the class size and student/teacher ratio that is beneficial to Spencer. The Montessori style of facilitating learning, rather than teaching, and use of hands-on learning tools is perfect for him. I'm so glad that he'll be able to continue there (pending district approval, of course).

Spencer's teacher wants to see him begin to be mainstreamed at times. She feels it would be best to do this for science and social studies, because these are his two strongest areas. I've often felt that I need an encyclopedia to raise this child, with all of the questions he asks, and they are seeing the same thing at school. He just wants to soak it all up, and in the Montessori program his teachers are his guides on his quest for knowledge (I love that he came home after school one day and asked me if we could "research" the Egyptian Sphinx together!).

I know I keep raving about this program, but how can I not? How lucky we are to have a free Montessori program in our district! I always thought I would like to send Spencer to a Montessori school, but I knew there was no way I could afford to. I'm just absolutely thrilled at the experience he's getting through the public school system. I also really appreciate that the school is in an area of the city which is racially diverse, where many of the children come from Spanish-speaking homes, and most of the families could not financially consider anything but a public education. I don't know the history of the decision to place the Montessori program at this particular school, but I'm thrilled that these children and families are benefiting from it. Now if only I could convince the school to teach a little bit of Spanish as a routine part of their day!

I'm Tired

I'm usually a pretty optimistic person, but I'm having a hard time this week.  I hate to complain, because I'm grateful that my boys are as healthy as they are, but I'm tired.  I'm tired of taking a 5 year old to the bathroom every hour because he doesn't know when to go himself.  I'm tired of fighting with him to get him there.  I'm tired of fighting with the other one to wash his hands after using the potty.  I'm tired of cleaning up pee from two 5 year old boys who can't seem to get most of it in the toilet.  I'm tired of having to give Alex what amounts to feeding therapy at every meal.

I know there are people who have it a lot worse.  It's just hard this week because Spencer got a diagnosis and we're realizing that we really need to put a lot of time and energy into helping him, too.  I thought he was going to be my "normal"* child, after he got over the delays due to his prematurity.  I thought he would be the easy one, but he just keeps getting harder.  I know, I know: now we have a diagnosis and can get the help we need.  I'm just tired right now, tired of working so hard.  Parents of typicals have no idea how easy they have it!  I wouldn't trade my kids in for any others, I just wish I could have an easier day once in awhile.


*Normal is overrated, and non-existent anyway.

Struggling with Spencer's Diagnosis

I'm having a really hard time with accepting that Spencer is not a more typical child.  I know it sounds awful, and it's just something I'm sorting through, but I was kind of holding on to the hope that at least one of my boys would be more typical.  I kept thinking that his behaviors were just the effects of his age and some sensory issues.  They were becoming more problematic at home but I thought it was just a stage he would outgrow.  I had no idea until this week how much of a problem his behaviors at school are.  I don't know if I was just in denial, or if his teacher and I just weren't communicating enough.

I was thinking to myself this afternoon "How am I going to parent two kids with special needs?" and then I thought "The same way you have been, silly!"  The diagnosis doesn't change anything.  It just gives us tools to use to help Spencer.  I have to accept that he needs that extra help.  I have put so much time and energy into helping Alex.  Now I need to split my attention more and give Spencer what he needs.  I'm just feeling overwhelmed by it all right now.  Need to take some deep breaths and do some more reading.

Spencer & ADHD

Spencer was diagnosed with ADHD on Monday.  I wasn't surprised, and I'm not hung up on the label.  It will help him to get the services he needs and help us learn how to parent him better.  I'm reading up on it now and just came across this on Dr. Sears' website.  It's as though I could have written it about Spencer.

Johnny, 8 years old, seemed to hear the first instruction given by the teacher but often missed the next two. He had an excellent memory for things that interested him, like baseball players' names, or the exact words of a television commercial, but seemed completely unable to learn his multiplication tables. Sometimes he had trouble getting started on his schoolwork. Once started, he would abandon it long before it was completed to sharpen a pencil, start on something else, or just sit and play. This seeming inability to attend to an assigned task for any reasonable length of time was quite confusing to his parents, as they had observed time and again how Johnny could play for hours with his building set or video games. Yet it was a struggle to get him out the door for school each morning because he was easily sidetracked. His mother would find him still in his pajamas and sprawled on his bed with a hand-held video game 15 minutes after he had been sent upstairs to brush his teeth and get dressed.
His report card said, "More effort needed." His parents felt he was fooling around at school and tried taking privileges away to punish him. Johnny had been examined by the family doctor and tested by a special education teacher and neither one found a problem with his attention span in these one-on-one situations. His parents felt Johnny was the brightest of their four children by far, but he was failing the third grade! "He's just so creative." they said. From nowhere he comes out with these fantastic ideas! When he gets into inventing something, his energy seems endless, but he won't stick to any of his school assignments unless we really sit on him. When he's working on something that is not his own creation, he is a real scatterbrain. He irritates his teacher because he says the first thing that comes into his mind. He jumps from one idea to the next. He just doesn't think things through."