A New Chapter In the Life of a Mom

Alex is going to school. Five days a week, five and a half hours a day. My baby. After 30 months of doing it all myself, every therapy session, every single day, I am placing the care of my precious little Ally Bear in strangers' hands. At first when I knew this was soon going to be a reality I panicked. It's been just me for so long. The idea of letting someone else take the reins, be in control of his services, take care of him for so many hours every week, scared me. "What if they don't understand him the way I do?" I thought. "What if he gets worse because he can't communicate with them?" And then the fact that I would be with Spencer all day every day, and not Alex, hit me like a punch to the gut. That's going to feel so strange, like I'm constantly forgetting something; and a bit unfair, spending so much time with Spencer and so little with Alex. And what will it be like for the two of them; will they feel like a part of them has been left behind somewhere?

After a little time I've begun to come to terms with loosening the proverbial apron strings and letting Alex begin this new adventure without me. He will spend his days being cared for by people who are trained to help children like him. I will have a break from constantly trying to communicate with a child who is, while very sweet and loving, at times very frustrating to deal with. I will be able to turn my attention more fully to Spencer, who wants to learn and do so many things that I just haven't had the time and energy to share with him.

Most importantly, Alex will essentially be getting services all day, every day. There will be an adjustment period, but soon the effects of being in an integrated, special-education classroom will begin to show. I have no doubt that Alex will blossom as a result. He has always given us all such great hope as he progresses, sometimes by leaps and bounds, and I know that with the increased intensity at which he'll be receiving services his development will accelerate. Alex will soon be surprising us even more than he has in the past.

It is very important to me that Alex's current providers know how precious they are to us and how thankful I am for everything they have done to facilitate his development and my education as a parent. We will continue to see Terry and Lisa, as they will provide services for Spencer until he starts preschool next fall. I want Kathy to know how much we loved having her as Ally's occupational therapist, that the swinging song will always be part of our repetoire, and that we won't forget all the other wonderful things she shared with us. We will miss Christina more than anyone. She is, by far, Alex's favorite person (other than Mommy, of course). He responds to her best of all and has a wonderful bond with her. We're always happy to see her step through our front door and have enjoyed her energy and positive spirit so much. Each of these women have been a precious gift in our lives. The memories of our times with them, the knowledge they have shared with me, and the gratitude for how they have helped Alex and Spencer flourish will always be with us.

I truly do feel as though this is a new chapter in my life as a parent. We've come so far, from those days in the NICU when my babies' lives were hanging in the balance, to being two months shy of the third birthday of two healthy and very active toddlers. I have been flying solo for 34 months. Letting go, seeing one son go off to school and knowing that the other will follow before too long, working part-time with my sister, beginning to think about going back to work full-time, and welcoming an unexpected and wonderful new partner into my life...so much is changing. It is both scary and exhilarating as I look forward to the exciting things life has in store for my family and myself as we begin this new leg of the journey.

My Little Tenor

Alex is pretending that the soap dish is a keyboard. What song he is singing is anybody's guess (probably something from the Wiggles).

Christmas

I'm not feeling very inspired to post about Christmas this year. I wish we could do it over again without the stomach virus. Spencer came down with it the day before Christmas Eve. I succumbed to it late Christmas night. Unfortunately we didn't know it was a virus until too late, so my mother and friend came down with it, too. Merry freakin' Christmas!

I planned our Christmas schedule so that we could be at home together for a quiet Christmas day. I thought that I would see my sister and her children on Christmas Eve and could exchange gifts then. That didn't happen. We still haven't exchanged our gifts. We're getting together tomorrow at Mom's. I guess I should look at it as though our celebration has been extended. I'm sure all the children will enjoy being together tomorrow, and I'll finally get to see what's in my stocking!

I had to drag Spencer out of bed at 9:30 on Christmas morning. I'm surprised he's actually smiling in some of the pictures. My neighbor snapped him a little later, falling asleep, half his body on the couch, the other half on the coffee table. Poor guy. He's feeling a lot better now and enjoying all of his new toys. His big gift was a learning laptop. Alex would like to steal it from him. He was playing with it on Christmas day and Spencer was trying to take it from him. Alex kept saying "Alex....Alex." He was trying to tell Spencer that it was his toy! Alex also tried to steal his cousin's new Thomas the Tank Engine book. He's hardly put down his new Gordon train that came with his big gift, the Take-Along Thomas Tidmoth Sheds. That boy loves his trains!

I snapped a few pictures while the boys were emptying their stockings. That's about all I had the time and energy for. I think we're due for a better Christmas next year. You hear that, universe?!!?

Ally's Play

I just observed something about Ally's play that I've never noticed before. He often plays by himself. We (his therapists and I) have always thought the he perseverates on cars and trains because he likes the wheels and mechanics. What we haven't noticed is that he is engaging in pretend play with the vehicles. They are always facing each other or him (yes, the toys have actual faces), and he makes them "talk" to each other! I thought he was just babbling gibberish to himself, but today I heard them tell each other "Come on!" and call each other by name (Toby and James). I think he was even trying to make them kiss after I kissed him! He also says "choo choo" and makes the whooshing steam sound.

I know I'm always talking down the boob tube, but I think the Thomas the Tank Engine video actually helped teach Alex this kind of play (watching "Cars" at his Aunt Chappy's last weekend probably didn't hurt either). That doesn't mean I'm going to let him watch more television, it just means I won't feel so guilty when I do.

Potty News

Spencer went pee-pee on the potty! Spencer went pee-pee on the potty!!! I sat him on it after bath (I've done this once or twice before). I told him to push out his pee-pee. First he pushed out some gas and tooted, then I told him to push again (and made a hissing sound) and he did it! He actually understood what I meant and he did it! He's also been telling me when he's poopy, and when he toots he says "poopy." I guess it's time to start reading up on potty training. Woo hoo!

Alexander's Diagnosis

We made another visit to the developmental pediatrician today. The boys have been seen bi-annually by this practice since just before they left the NICU. At their last appointment four months ago Dr. T suggested that Alex might fall under the autism spectrum and that she would like to keep a closer eye on his development. Today we visited again, reports from his various therapists in hand. After inquiring as to my observations about Alex's development, attempting to evaluate him (he was very difficult to engage), and reviewing the reports from his therapists, Dr. T delivered the expected diagnosis: PDD-NOS.

As Dr. T explained, reaffirming my already strong beliefs, the diagnosis changes nothing. Alex is still the same child. The diagnosis is simply a tool to help Alex get the services that he needs. I know Alex is going to be fine. He may always be different, but he will learn how to get along the best he can in this world that expects everyone to be the same. What matters is that he is healthy and happy. What matters is that Alex knows that he is unconditionally loved, and that he always believes in and loves himself.

Temper Tantrums and The Boob Tube

Sometimes when Alex is having a temper tantrum the only thing I can do to calm him down is to turn on the boob tube. This really bothers me. I want to be able to calm him down without numbing his brain. What did mothers do before television was invented?

Snotty, Snot, Snot

Spencer had his adenoids removed on Thursday. The procedure went well; the doctor was able to remove them without any bleeding. Spencer is a trooper. You would never know he just had surgery.

His adenoids were so enlarged that they were almost completely blocking his airway. Hence his decreased vocal quality (it was his speech pathologist that first pointed us in the direction of the ENT). What does having his adenoids out mean? Well, my rambunctious, sweet, wild child is going to get LOUDER. It also means that a dam of sorts has been removed and he will be draining mucus from his nose for awhile. Yuck! But hopefully it will mean a lot less sinus infections and snotty noses in his future.

Maybe this will be Spencer's first Christmas without a snotty nose!

Testy Two-Year-Olds

How does one find that balance between being too restrictive and being too permissive with a two-year-old? How do you find the place that allows him to explore and learn self-moderation but doesn't put him in danger and drive you, as his parent, crazy? And then how do you do it when you have TWO two-year-olds, that either work in cahoots or go in completely opposite directions? Why can't there be two of me, and why can't they both be a little calmer, less reactive?

Yesterday I came downstairs to find them both in the kitchen (gates do no good anymore). Spencer was having a condiment party (time to buy a refrigerator lock) and Alex was covered in oven grease. Both the oven racks were on the floor and judging from his appearance he had climbed INTO the oven!!!! (I bought an oven lock but because of the way the stove is made it won't work).

Today Spencer broke a nightlight. I'm upstairs trying to vacuum up the glass, and up comes Alex, crawling onto the landing, right into the mess! I finally get it cleaned up without any injuries, and downstairs I go to find Spencer in the fridge again, trying to drink ketchup from the bottle.

Have I mentioned that Spencer can get through any gate or door? He's like Houdini! I've been yelling a lot lately, and I hate it. I hate yelling. Then I cry because I'm so frustrated and scared that they're going to hurt themselves, and then Spencer cries because he doesn't like to see me upset. And Alex withdraws. As if Alex needs to withdraw any more than he already does. Spencer gets so much attention because he demands it, and Alex, who needs the attention so badly, gets forgotten.

This was just supposed to be a quick, light-hearted post about the wiles of my two-year-olds and now I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes again. To be honest, I'm scared. Scared that Alex will retreat further into himself and become full-blown autistic, scared that I'm going to start yelling and never going to stop, that my children will be afraid of me, won't be able to trust me.

Okay, I'm tired. We all have a cold. "Weeping may remain for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." A Bible verse from my religious days that always help me remember that things will look better after a good night's sleep.