Wednesday, May 2, 2012

This is from an old Dixie Chicks song and pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now (aside from the "expecting you" part). If you know this song, you know it's about a guy breaking the singer's heart. That's not what I'm referring to here. I'm talking about that wonderful heartache called chronic depression. That thing that I always think I can get out of my life for good, despite the fact that I've battled it since childhood and have been diagnosed with a mood disorder. It's crept up on me once again. Now that I realize it, it's time to face it head on and get my life back on track.
Hello Mr. Heartache, I've been expecting you
Come in and wear your welcome out
The way you always do
You never say if you're here to stay
Or only passin' through
So hello Mr. Heartache,
I've been expecting you

Good Mourning

It's 5:00 in the morning and I've been wide awake for the last hour because I had an upsetting dream. I was pregnant. My partner wasn't thrilled about it but he was being supportive. I was very happy about it. I went into labor early and had to be rushed to the hospital. That's where the dream ended.

I felt so sad when I woke up. I'm just laying here thinking about why that is. I think I'm mourning that I'll never have a "normal" pregnancy, a "normal" birth, and a "normal" child. We get what we get in life, and we get it all for a reason. I believe that, and I wouldn't trade my life or my children for anyone else's, but I don't think I've really come to full acceptance yet.

Seven years, and I'm still grappling with the situation of my pregnancy and the boys' birth. In some ways I think the wounds ache more now then ever before. Maybe it's because I'm in a safe, supportive relationship now, in an emotional space where I'm able to feel these emotions and work through them. Maybe it's because I wish I could make a child with the wonderful man I'm with. I hate focusing on negatives, though. Maybe that's why its hard for me to accept that I have these feelings. I just want to be grateful for what I have. Sometimes it is so tempting to feel sorry for myself, and I just don't want to go there.

The truth is, I wanted a different path. I wanted to have a child while in a supportive, loving relationship. I wanted a healthy baby. I wanted to nurse. But beyond that...God, I love my children so fiercely. They are beautiful, healthy, smart, funny, and amazing. "Normal" isn't really a word in my family's vocabulary, anyway.