I have to say that Risperidone is really working for Alex this time. It's not making him lethargic or tamping down his personality like it did when he was younger. He is so happy and pleasant, more focused and able to play appropriately (even on his own), and his verbalizations are amazing! A few minutes ago he said to me "I want to watch something on the Playstation, like my favorite video, Spongebob." This from a kid who used to not be able to tell me he wanted milk! The miserable child who was overwhelmed by his emotions and the sensory onslaught of his world has taken a back seat to the happy, sweet, smart little boy Alex really is. I'm so thankful!

Alex Speaks

My little man has come out with some good ones this morning.

It snowed last night. Alex looked outside, pointed, and said "It is a snowy kingdom."

The Scrabble board was left out last night. Alex was looking at it and said "It doesn't have autism." I said "No, it doesn't. Who has autism?" He said "The Center for ###### ###### (his school)." I said "Yes, they help people who have autism. Do you have autism?" He replied "Yeah." (I was a little surprised by this.) I told him "Yep, and that's OK."

I was just smelling perfume samples that came with a Kohl's flyer and I said to Mike "It's been forever since I wore perfume. Sometimes I miss being a girly girl." Spencer didn't miss a beat: "I prefer you being a MANLY girl!"

Spencer and His Stampylonghead Pumpkin

Pipe Tobacco

You know how they say scent memory is your strongest? I just remembered the smell of my father's pipe tobacco. When I was a little girl I loved his big bear hugs when he got home from work. He always smelled like the pouch of pipe tobacco he kept in his coat pocket. This Thursday would have been his 68th birthday. I can't believe he's been gone for almost 8 years. I want to run out to the store and get a pouch of pipe tobacco just so I can remember what it was like to hug him.

Spencer's Parent Teacher Conference

I had Spencer's parent/teacher conference this past Thursday. His teachers and therapists are very pleased with how he's doing. Last year he was having trouble putting thoughts into complete sentences in writing. Now he is writing amazing essays. His handwriting still needs a lot of work, but he is remembering to use his finger for spacing and is slowly getting neater. We need to work on his math skills, too: he still counts on his fingers for simple one digit addition. His teacher told me about a website Spencer loves, coolmath.com, so we're adding that to his daily schedule at home. Socially Spencer is doing better, too. His class is a good group of 3rd and 4th graders, many of whom share his love of Legos. They play outside together and sit in a circle and talk on the playground. I'd love to see that. The best news I got is that my little bookworm is reading and comprehending on an 8th grade level!

Choices

When one of my boys, particularly Alex, is having trouble doing something I've asked him to do I say "Make a good choice." The meaning behind it, which they know well, is if they don't make a good choice there will be consequences. Usually it means a reduction in or loss of time to do something they really enjoy. They know "If I make good choices, good things happen." It's simple. It's all about the choices, every little choice we make each day. I'm working hard to help them learn this. It's time I learn it myself.

It's Friday!

I am so excited for this weekend! Tonight, dinner at Terrapin with my sweetheart (finally using the gift certificate I got for my birthday in September). Tomorrow, our new mattress is being delivered, I'm getting my hair done (long overdue) and a pedicure, and I'm having a girls' night with one of my oldest and dearest friends. Sunday it's church in Albany where I'll get to see a bunch of wonderful people I used to sing with. Cap it all off with a lunch meeting to get my new business up and running. Can you see why I'm excited?!!

Love Is A Commitment

I've been thinking a lot lately about love, abandonment, fear, and my past relationships. In many of my significant relationships (both romantic and others) I have pushed away the other person (or been pushed) out of fear of being hurt. If there were problems in the relationship it was easier to throw up a wall of defensiveness and anger than it was to deal with the problems. What if the problem is me? What if they don't want me? What if they leave me? At times I was the one who walked away, often to come back again, repeating that cycle over and over. I didn't want to be alone and unloved. What I didn't know at the time was that I didn't really understand what love is.

I thought love was a feeling. I thought love was when someone stays with you even when you abuse each other. I thought love was supposed to make me happy, give me peace, solve a lot of my problems. So when my relationship didn't work out that way I did things to sabotage the relationship, to hurt that person, to make them want to leave. Or I would leave.

It wasn't until I had children that I began to learn how love really works. You can't run away from that relationship when it gets tough. You can't push your children away by making them feel crappy about themselves or telling them they don't love you enough. You have to work through whatever it is that is making staying difficult or painful. Running is not an option.

Oh yes, there are parents who do it. Parents who drink, do drugs, work all the time, are physically present but emotionally unavailable. The kind of parents who raise children that grow up to be people who don't understand love. I don't want to be that kind of parent. I want to raise children who can give and receive love. I want them to grow into people who don't feel like they have to protect their hearts, who know that they are worthy of love and respect.

I'm not always good at loving my children the way I want to. I'm not always good at loving their father either. But I'm lucky. I've found someone who won't run when I try to push him away, who will stay with me even if I hurt him, and who will work with me as I try to become better at this thing I didn't used to understand. Love is a commitment. I'm so thankful to finally be in a relationship in which I can become the loving person I desire to be, and to be loved the way I am worthy of.

Bull

I walked for 20 minutes on the rail trail today. My friend Chuck referred to my process of getting back into shape as "rehab". Yeah, I guess I have to look at it that way. Everything my body has been through in the past eight years has taken it's toll on me. Countless bouts of bronchitis, pneumonia twice, sleep apnea, a herniated disc that's been plaguing me for years...add to that the stress of carrying twins, delivering them 16 weeks early, dealing with all of their medical stuff, and their developmental issues (not to mention that I was single for the first three years of it) and I'm just one big fat mess of unhealthy!

Looking at the process of getting healthy again as rehab actually makes it seem more positive and less overwhelming. I've been beating myself up over how fat I've gotten, how I can't do the things I want to, how I have no energy, no self control... NO MORE! I'm grabbing the proverbial bull by the horns and riding that damned thing 'til it lays down and dies and I'm standing on top of it, strong, healthy, and living the life I desire!

The 90's

Spencer's cousin Noah was telling Spencer about a new Pokemon game that's going to have the original colors from the 90's. I said "The 90's? I was in college in the 90's." Noah: "Whoa!" Spencer: "So you're still getting used to color TV?"  SMH

Lego Game

Spencer designed and built his own Lego game., originally uploaded by tinymatters.

Spencer designed and built his own Lego game.

Ouch....Awwww

Spencer is literally painful to be around sometimes. My head is killing me from all of his talking and arguing. He must have puked up his ADHD med this morning, because he's been at it all day. Driving me crazy! And then he walks up to me and says "Mommy, you're my greatest comfort in the whole world." God, he makes my heart melt (but my head still hurts).