Sunday, February 24, 2013

Love Is A Commitment

I've been thinking a lot lately about love, abandonment, fear, and my past relationships. In many of my significant relationships (both romantic and others) I have pushed away the other person (or been pushed) out of fear of being hurt. If there were problems in the relationship it was easier to throw up a wall of defensiveness and anger than it was to deal with the problems. What if the problem is me? What if they don't want me? What if they leave me? At times I was the one who walked away, often to come back again, repeating that cycle over and over. I didn't want to be alone and unloved. What I didn't know at the time was that I didn't really understand what love is.

I thought love was a feeling. I thought love was when someone stays with you even when you abuse each other. I thought love was supposed to make me happy, give me peace, solve a lot of my problems. So when my relationship didn't work out that way I did things to sabotage the relationship, to hurt that person, to make them want to leave. Or I would leave.

It wasn't until I had children that I began to learn how love really works. You can't run away from that relationship when it gets tough. You can't push your children away by making them feel crappy about themselves or telling them they don't love you enough. You have to work through whatever it is that is making staying difficult or painful. Running is not an option.

Oh yes, there are parents who do it. Parents who drink, do drugs, work all the time, are physically present but emotionally unavailable. The kind of parents who raise children that grow up to be people who don't understand love. I don't want to be that kind of parent. I want to raise children who can give and receive love. I want them to grow into people who don't feel like they have to protect their hearts, who know that they are worthy of love and respect.

I'm not always good at loving my children the way I want to. I'm not always good at loving their father either. But I'm lucky. I've found someone who won't run when I try to push him away, who will stay with me even if I hurt him, and who will work with me as I try to become better at this thing I didn't used to understand. Love is a commitment. I'm so thankful to finally be in a relationship in which I can become the loving person I desire to be, and to be loved the way I am worthy of.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013


I walked for 20 minutes on the rail trail today. My friend Chuck referred to my process of getting back into shape as "rehab". Yeah, I guess I have to look at it that way. Everything my body has been through in the past eight years has taken it's toll on me. Countless bouts of bronchitis, pneumonia twice, sleep apnea, a herniated disc that's been plaguing me for years...add to that the stress of carrying twins, delivering them 16 weeks early, dealing with all of their medical stuff, and their developmental issues (not to mention that I was single for the first three years of it) and I'm just one big fat mess of unhealthy!

Looking at the process of getting healthy again as rehab actually makes it seem more positive and less overwhelming. I've been beating myself up over how fat I've gotten, how I can't do the things I want to, how I have no energy, no self control... NO MORE! I'm grabbing the proverbial bull by the horns and riding that damned thing 'til it lays down and dies and I'm standing on top of it, strong, healthy, and living the life I desire!

Sunday, February 17, 2013

The 90's

Spencer's cousin Noah was telling Spencer about a new Pokemon game that's going to have the original colors from the 90's. I said "The 90's? I was in college in the 90's." Noah: "Whoa!" Spencer: "So you're still getting used to color TV?"  SMH

Lego Game

Spencer designed and built his own Lego game.